7 vocabulary differences between men and women:
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...Any part under a car's hood.
Male.....The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female...Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.....Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female...The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's
Male.....Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip
with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female...A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male.....Trying not to hit on other women while out with this
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female...A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male.....Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female...An Embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male.....A source of entertainment, self-expression, male
7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can
Male.....Call it whatever you want just as long as we do it.
Two Wal-Mart greeters were sitting on bench during break.
One turns to the other asking,
-"Slim, I'm 73 years old and I'm just full of aches and pains,
I know you are about my age, How do you feel?"
-"I feel just like a new born babe." Slim says.
Rather amazed his co-worker repeats his statement in the form of a question,
-"Really? A new born babe???"
-"Yup", grins Slim, "No teeth, No hair and I think I just wet my pants..."
A third grade teacher was demonstrating to her class the effects of alcohol on the body. At one point she poured alcohol on a live worm. It shriveled up, dried out, and died.
The teacher asked the young students what they had learned from this.
A boy put up his hand with great enthusiasm. When asked by the teacher what he had learned, the boy said,
-"If you drink alcohol, you won't have worms..!""
An old man went to his doctor and said,
-"Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."
-"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down..."
My brother, a trucker, is often caught in commuter rush-hour traffic.
One morning when everything came to a standstill, he sat high up in his
18-wheeler singing and whistling.
A passenger in a nearby car, frustrated by the delay, yelled up at my
-"What are you so happy about?"
"I'm already at work!" he cheerfully replied.
I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeks
ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the
corner, enjoying a drink.
I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle,
but she was running a little bit late.
Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft
chairman, introduced myself, and said,
-"Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."
-"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, and I'm
waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she
arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi, Ray,'?"
I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.
About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and
started to talk business.
A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.
-"Hi, Ray," he said.
I replied, -"Fuck off, Gates, I'm in a meeting."
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."
After God had created man he stepped back and admired his work:
-"Look at this perfect physique, the strong but yet handsome features,
the well balanced proportions, I have to say, I am in awe with myself."
Then he turned and looked at the woman. After he had been studying her
for a while he said:
-"Well, I guess you will have to wear make-up..."
A married couple was on holiday in India. They were touring around the
marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small
sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an Indian accent say,
-"You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."
So the married couple walked in. The Indian man said to them,
-"I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey
make you wild at sex like great desert camel."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what
the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being
the sex god he was sure he was. The husband asked the man,
-"How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Indian man replied,
-"Just try dem on, Saiheeb."
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in,
and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this
wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Indian man, bent him
violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own
pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Indian's thighs. The Indian then
-"YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!"
A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went
to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they
passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.
The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty
The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence and they made
love like never before.
Back in the car, the guy says, "Darling, you sure never moved like that
forty years ago - or any time since that I can remember!"
The woman says, "Forty years ago that fence wasn't electrified!"
Joe took his blind date to the carnival.
-"What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.
"I want to get weighed," she said.
They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got
on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on
the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she
would like to do.
-"I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before,
he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar. The couple
walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.
-"I want to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early,
dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date,
-"How'd it go?"
-"Oh, Waura, it was wousy..."
A country lad comes to the big city. He sits down at the bar and sees a
real beauty sitting at the other end. He tells the bartender to get a
drink for her.
-"Don't bother dude, she's a lesbian."
-"I don't care!" says the lad, "Gimme the drink and I'll take it over
So the lad slides up and sits down next to the lady and says:
-"So babe, what part of Lesbia are you from..?"
A "modern" Islamic couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with
their Mullah for counselling. The Mullah asks if they have any last
questions before they leave. The man asks, "We realize it's a tradition
in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But,
at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."
"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!," replies the Mullah, "Allah ho Akbar! Sex is OK within
marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"Allah ho Akbar! No problem," says the Mullah.
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Sure," says the Mullah. "Allah ho Akbar. Go for it!"
"Sure! Allah ho Akbar!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! Allah ho Akbar!"
"Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a
bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of
honey and a porno video?"
"You may indeed. Allah ho Akbar!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"No." says the Mullah."
"Why not?" asks the man.
"Because that could lead to dancing..."
Adam was talking to his friend at the bar.
-"I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday, "he said. "She has
everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so
-"I have an idea!", his friend said. "Why don't you make up a
certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she
wants it. She'll probably be thrilled."
Adam decided to take his friend's advice. The next day at the bar his
-"Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
-"Yes, I did," Adam replied.
-"Did she like it?"
-""Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran
out the door, yelling 'I'll be back in an hour!'..."
I've never understood why women love cats.
Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you
call, they like to stay out all night, come home and expect to be fed
and stroked, then want to be left alone and sleep.
In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat...
A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He
first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year,
so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and
throws it away.
He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I
have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again
looks at it with disgust and throws it away.
He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of
the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes
another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to
see your mother again..."
A little girl says,
-"Daddy, I wish I had a little sister."
Trying to be funny, the daddy says,
-"Honey, you do have a sister. You just don't see her because when you
are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door"
The little girl thought about this and remarked,
-"You mean like my other Daddy does..?"
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally
they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic cow moose
costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose.
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the
costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a
clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.
Before long their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the
forest and into the clearing.
When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "OK, lets get out
and get him."
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back
shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"
The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but
you'd better brace yourself..."
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics.
He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"
The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?"
The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage.
Useful phrases for westerners backpackers in the middle east:
* Kbar Khali-Kili Haftir Lotfan.
Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.
* Tikeh Nuneh Ba Ob Khrelleh Bezorg Va Khube Boyast Ino Begeram.
The water soaked breadcrumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the
* Ekr Gabul Cardan Davat Parh Gush Divar.
I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor
with my arms above my head with my legs apart.
* Maternier Ghermez Ahlieh Ghorban.
The red blindfold would be lovely.
* Balli, Balli, Balli.
Whatever you say.
* Auto Arraregh Davateman Mano Sephaheh- Hasti.
It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of
* Cashal-Eh Fashal-Eh Tupheman Na Degat Man Goftam Cheeshayeh Mohemarir
If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages, I
will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.
When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his
wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle:
-"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and international scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"
-"A penis," replied Madame deGaulle.
A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next.
Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said,
-"Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness!'"
A guy found a penguin and showed him to a policeman. The policeman said,
-"Take that penguin to the zoo, now."
Next day the policeman sees the man with the penguin again.
The policeman stops the guy and says,
-"What on earth are you still doing with that penguin?"
The guy says,
-"What is there to do? Yesterday I took him to the zoo and now
I'm taking him to the movies..."
A prisoner escapes from his prison where he had been kept for 15 years.
As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it looking for money
and guns, but all he finds is a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair.
While tying the girl up to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on
the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he is in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes!
He probably spent lots of time in prison, and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck.If he wants sex, don't resist, don't
Just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous,
If he gets angry, he will kill us.
Be strong, honey. I love you"
To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering
in my ear. He told me he was gay and found you very sexy, and asked if
we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom...
Be strong, honey. I love you too..."
A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over
his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know Mr. Jones, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"
Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so marched over to inquire what was wrong.
"Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"
Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped
back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis
out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced
the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!!!"
At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my
test results back??"
A man had great tickets for the World Cup final. As he sits down,
another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next
to him. "No," he says. "The seat is empty." "This is
incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a
seat like this for the world cup final, the biggest sporting event in
the world, and not use it?" He says, "Well, actually, the seat
belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed
away. This is the first world Cup Final we haven't been to together
since we got married." "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible.
But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a
neighbour to take the seat?" The man shakes his head... "No.
They're all at the funeral."
A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later....
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance.
Lights out. Five minutes later:
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have drink of water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll smack your bottom!!"
Five minutes later...... "Daaaa-aaaad....."
"When you come in to smack me, can you bring drink of water?"
A Letter to My Friend Alcohol
Dear Alcohol, I thought I'd take a minute to discuss some troubling
factors with you.
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.
Your many sides and dimensions are mind-boggling (different than beer
goggling, which I'll touch upon shortly.)
Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there when needed: the perfect
post-work cocktail, a beer with the game...and you're even around in the
holidays: Hidden inside chocolates you warm us when we're stuck in the
midst of endless family gatherings. Yet lately, I've been wondering
about your intentions.
You see, I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, but
I feel that your influence has led to unwise consequences, briefed below
for your review:
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important,
I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or
necessity occurs at 5 AM especially to ex boy/girlfriends.
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is far
from my specialty, why you suggested that I eat a kebab with chilli
sauce coupled with a pot noodle and some stale crisps (washed down with
chocolate Nesquik and topped off with a Kit Kat) is beyond me.
Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went a bit too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me I need to do yoga
more to increase my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by
causing me to fall down the stairs. Completely unnecessary.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 30 seconds to get the front
door key into the lock.
4. Pictures: This is a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify
the last point below, but the following costumes are heretofore banned
from being placed on my head in public: Indian Wigs, Sombreros, Bows,
Ties, Boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic
cones, g-strings, bras.
5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most
likely do not. PLEASE do not request that I go over and see if in fact,
I do actually know that person. This is similar to the old "Hey, you're
in my class" syndrome circa 1996 at SU, and should heretofore be
rendered illegal. Coupled with this is the phrase "Let's shag." While I
may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth block that
would keep this thought from being a statement, especially in public.
6. Further, the subsequent hangovers have GOT to stop. Now, I know a
little penance for our previous evenings' debauchery may be in order,
but the 2 pm Hangover Immobility is completely unacceptable. I ask that
if the proper steps are pro-actively taken on my part (i.e. water,
vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out
face-down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover
should be quite minimal and no way interfere with my daily Saturday or
Sunday (or any day, for that matter) activities. Come on now, it's only
fair - you do your part, I'll do mine.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our relationship for some years now, and want to
ensure that we remain on good terms.
You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much
laughter, and the needed companion when we just don't know what to do
with the extra money in our pockets.
In order to continue this relationship, I ask that you carefully review
my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an
answer no later than Thursday at 5 pm (pre happy hour) on your possible
solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Your Biggest Fan