Defense Attorney: What is your age?

Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what
happened to you?

Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my
front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes
creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?

Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my
Abner passed away some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Woman: Hell No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all
alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just
spread my old legs and said to him, just spread my old legs
"Take me, young man, take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April
Fool!" And that's when I shot the son of a bitch!


Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he
had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over,
and two claimed that he is still there.


Mommy was talking to her little girl about making of babies.
Little Annie was silent for a while.
"You understand it now?" Mommy asks.
"Yes," replies her daughter.
"Do you still have any questions?"
"Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"
"In exactly the same way as with babies."
"Wow!" the girl exclaims. "Daddy can make just ANYTHING!"


A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"


A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again.

You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much.

"The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."


A HUGE black guy walks in to a bar.
He goes to a little white guy and took his drink.
Then the black guy looks at the white guy and says "Got a problem with that?"
So the white guy says "You know what? I've been having the worst fucking day you can think of.

In the morning my wife told me that she is leaving me, than I got fired at my job, then I discover that my car got stolen, and now when I try to kill myself you drink my god-damned poison!"


DADDY! HOW WAS I BORN?" Junior asks his dad,
His dad, who is a software engineer sighs and replies,
"Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!"
"Well, I saw your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on
MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a
Cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother
Agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to
Upload, we discovered that neither
One of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete
Button."
"Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message
Saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized
Program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted
In her BIOS. Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared
And said:
You've Got Male'!"


A mother, father and young son are visiting the circus. The elephants walk out into the circus ring and the little boy says to his mother,
-"What's that?"
-"That's the elephant's tail." she replies.
-"No, under the tail." says the youngster.
The mother is clearly embarrassed and says,
-"Oh, nothing."
The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question.                His father looks and says,
-"That's the elephant's penis, son."
-"So, why did mum say it was nothing?" asks the boy.
The father draws himself up to his full height and says,
-"Son, I've spoiled that damn woman..."